How did i go from being the golden girl, to this rebellious teen that my mother dislikes and feels the need to hate on?! She just told me that im grounded while they're away, i.e no friends over or going out, it goes 1. schoo, 2. work, 3. everything else, i get that, thats how it is (though some things over take work =P) but the thing is she thinks i dont have my priorities straight and ignored me when i asked how she knew that, getting the reply 'Im your mother, of course i know'. I dont understand how she cant have faith that im controlling my life and that i have a balance! She doesn't get that, if i don't spend a certain amount of time away from home i will go INSANE. When school started i didn't have someone to fall back on, to constantly tell me to keep going, i have that now..... i also have another group of friends who help me forget about school. She says she undestands this but thinks its distracting me, which it probably does every so often, but i do know that this is one of the MOST IMPORTANT years of my life, and that i really do need to focus, but if i focus and not socialise all year, i will actually fail, because i am a social person and rely on that to hekp me keep focussed! She doesn't get that, and the fact that lately i've made her feel like im usuing her (i.e telling her when things are happening instead of asking....and lifts ect..) AND breaking her fucking camera (even though that wasn't 100% my fault!) she hasn't had the best opinion of me, and i get that, but what i don't get is why she wont even try to see my point, she keeps going on about how when she was my age she blah blah blah, I always say, 'But mum its different now!', but she just ignores me! I dont know what to do!
I just dont want to see her any more, i hate living at home.... no no, i dont mind it, i just feel like shes making this year even harder but making all these rules and restrictions when finally im getting invited to the parties, have a boyfriend (oh and dont even get me started on that, she told me tonight, 'when i was your age and i had a boyfriend my mother told me to ditch him. And you know what i did?! Ditch him!' she basically told me to dump Jeremy!) and am finally living life how i like it to be! And when she goes away Daves going to be incharge of me! How am i going to survive?! Im not allowed any one over and if i do have someone over he'll just go blabbing to mum, he wont come pick me up either! Or he might but like once! I hate my life at the moment, really the only time i like it is when im with Jeremy, talking to Dot at school or out of school or just trying to pay attention in class.
I dont think she realises just how happy i am right now and how slightly destressed i am! I just dont understand why she never put this pressure on Dave? They never made him finish school, they never made him study or do his homework, really i can ever remember either of them telling him to do his homework! Its just so unfair! It makes me so angry and makes me cry! I just want this year to be OVER. Or to just not live at home any more! thing is thats really not an option, where would i live?! I have a feeling friends would say come live with me, but i couldn't do that! It could ruin the friendship and it would be so unfair on their parents, also theres work, i'd hate to not live close to work and have to get lifts there and back and always rely on people to help me..... i hate this so much. Oh mum used the 'If you dont like it, go live with Granny', like thats even a fucking option, yes its up the road, but i'd be under even more strict rules.
Life is so completly fucked up for me at the moment, when i have something so good going. I dont understand!
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yes, it's funny how that always seems to happen. one part of your life is going rather well, and the rest begins to become shit house. i think life is bitter towards us. i think we need the balance though. it's not healthy living in a fairytale where everything is right.
ReplyDeletei think your mum and dad want you to do well and not become like dave. they probably resent him becoming who he is, and want you to be a better person than him. which i think you are.
and parent's are just in general a little difficult to get on with sometimes. i think it'll be pretty good once they've gone to Vietnam, you'll need the break, and so will they. maybe you should sit down and have a talk with dave? i know you don't like talking to him. but maybe it'll help a little.
you know if you ever need anywhere to go, i'm always here, and so is my house. that's not an empty gesture. you know i'd do anything for you louisa.
i luff you k?